Feeling Selfish

My thoughts have been everywhere lately. Last Friday night/Saturday morning, Matthew's Grandmother, Grandma Porter, went to be with the Lord. It's not that I have issues with death but it just hit me hard. When I lost my Grandaddy, it was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. He was one of the greatest men I ever knew. It made me cherish my relationships with my Nana and Grandmommie that much more. There are so many people out there who don't give their grandparents the time of day. I find it so sad...

I met Grandma on the 4th of July in 2010. From the moment I met her, I fell in love with her. She had the BEST sense of humor. I always found her so funny. Matthew and I would go over for lunch or dinner and spend hours with her playing cards and talking about life. I know technically she has only been my grandma since we got married but I thought of her as my grandma since I started dating Matthew. I admired Matthew for being so close to his grandmothers. I didn't get a very long time with her but I did get a little over two years and I feel so lucky. I loved her so much and I just hope she knew how much I thought of her.

When Matthew called me last Friday and told me that Grandma had been rushed to the ER and they were doing CPR, my heart sank. I got a text later saying she was okay and was breathing partly on her own. Matthew called me a bit later to tell me she wouldn't make it and that we needed to head over to the hospital. My emotions were all over the place. It's crazy how things work out. I happen to drive that day to work so I could leave straight from work to the hospital. We all were able to spend Thanksgiving together and visit her on Christmas at the hospital. Matthew and I spent the morning with her on New Years. When I got in the car I had it all together and then I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe came on. I lost it. It's the most beautiful song. It gave me a sense of peace though. We all got to say our goodbye that night. I love Matthew's whole family like they are my own....which they are now! I know she's in a better place but I can't help and feel selfish at times and wish she was back with us. It's been a very emotional week for me. I thank you all for your prayers.

I will always cherish the time I had with her. I'm so thankful for having her at our wedding. I thank her for giving me Suzy...which gave me Matthew. Grandma's service is this Saturday. It's going to be hard but we will be celebrating her wonderful life. I love you Grandma. <3

Grandma's Obituary


I Can Only Imagine by MercyMe

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By Your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When Your face
Is before me

I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the sun

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You

I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine
I can only imagine
yeah
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for You Jesus or in awe of You be still
Will I stand in Your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine
yeah
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever,
forever worship you

I can only imagine